I have had some questions about my last post.  Paul was sentenced to nine months with three months time served for the incident that happened over Christmas.  Because Paul was here on a work visa while waiting for his Permanent Resident status, he will be deported once the sentence is complete whether that happens in the max allowed time or if he is released early for time served.

My last words on that post were “and after that, a life time” because Paul won’t be able to see the children in person for a very long time.  And if they choose as young adults to live their lives in Canada, Paul will only ever see them in pictures.  I know many think that I am celebrating this, but I’m not.  I actually have to stop myself from thinking about what Paul is missing in our children’s lives because if I do think about it, I don’t revel in the joy of the moment.  I slip in to the sorrow of what can’t be. 

All over an addiction to alcohol.  I will not pretend to know personally what it is like not to be able to have a drink for fear of what I might do or say.  I do know personally the havoc it can wreak on one person and those that love him or her.  I can only see what will be missed and I mourn for that.

Nine months,

36 weeks,

252 days,

6048 hours,

302, 880 minutes,

and after that, a life time.

I’ve been feeling recently that many people, who have not walked a mile in my shoes, have been telling me how and what to feel these days.  And while at times it does elicit some feelings not of a very gracious nature, it has gotten me thinking about my “heart”.  Now, I put the word in parenthises because I’m not talking about my literal heart, the one that keeps the blood flowing throughout my body, but my “heart”.  The one that controls my emotions.  The one that broke on the 24th of December.  Oh don’t get me wrong, I still have feelings.  Some even say I have the wrong ones.  “How is it (I) can have compassion toward someone that has hurt (me) so badly? (I) should be angry and have “damn that man to hell” feelings!”  It has made me think.

I had a vision the other day …. my heart of hearts looks like stone.  Instead of hard on the outside and soft on the inside, I’m beginning to think that I am the opposite.  My heart is soft and receptive on the outside.  Enveloping even.  I am gracious, kind, loving.  For about the first three inches.  Now my skin isn’t going to turn green and I’m not about to grow hair all over my body and move to a mountain top with Ella the tail-less dog.  Nor am I going to be visited by three generational ghosts in the very near future.  But I do wonder at times what the centre of that “heart” looks like. 

I bet you thought I was talking about the calendar seasons didn’t you?!?  Nope I am apparently a Super Soccer Mom.  Maybe I should change my name from Insane Mother of Three to Super Soccer Mom … ahhhh no.  I’ll stay with Insane Mother of Three.  But I’m digressing.

This last week held the final soccer game and the wind up of the indoor season for Oldest Large Child.  And now we embark on the Spring Outdoor season.  This time, all three are in.  Healthy Weighty Wee Man, Wee Blonde Child and Oldest Large Child are going to play soccer.  We’ll take the summer soccer season off and go back to indoor in the autumn again. 

Let’s go Foothills! Let’s go!

My Mom has come to live with us.

This will be an adjustment that all of us will have, but it will be nice to have adult company, someone to help hold up the discipline and Nana in general living with us.

The last couple months have been really stressful on me financially and if everything works out in real life like it has not only in my little head, but also on paper, I will be able to turn this around in under six months.  Barring any hiccups.

Welcome Nana.  The Monsters are excited you’re here.  I hope that they don’t wear you out too soon!

I had a conversation today and something was said to me that I just need to make sure the entire world understands.  Now Im not sure if the words used in the conversation were the right ones or if the person I was talking to maybe was thinking something else.  I took no offense to the conversation, but the comment, “I wasn’t sure if (it) was because of the animosity between you and Paul.”

Just to be able to understand what may or may not have been intended, and just to be sure myself, I looked up the word animosity and it is defined as “1) bitter hostility, open enmity; active hatred and 2) a hostile feeling or act”

I do not feel any hatred toward Paul.  Maybe I should, but I don’t.  Yes I am hurt that what happened did happen.  But I do not feel any animosity toward Paul.  I do feel great sadness for him.  I am not happy that our lives have come to what they are.  I would rather be able to visit him at the Calgary Remand Centre and try to help him.  But I can’t for risk of losing my children to the custody of Child and Family Services.  Yes I am getting on with my life.  I would really rather have an open, caring relationship with Paul.  One we could easily share our childrens lives with each other.  But unfortunately that is not to be.  I do try to make sure that my children do not hear me talking negatively about Paul.  He is their Daddy.  But no I do not hate Paul.  I do not have hostile feelings towards him.  Yes sometimes he has done or said something that has made me angry, but I do not hate him.  Paul was once my partener in life, and somedays I miss that he is no longer in my life ~ or even allowed to be in my life.

With many great thanks to Winsome01, my monsters are once again enjoying the catchy tunes, good moraled stories of the peoples of LazyTown. 

Yep Winsome01, let me THANK YOU for that … let me thank you for that by playing the songs over and over and oh did I say over? again for you. 

But seriously, thank you Winsome01 for going out of your way to find, buy, and download the entire series of LazyTown when that was not what was asked of you.  Your kindness and generosity is greatfully appreciated.

So on February 13th, I got a concussion literally bouncing my head off the ice at the pleasure rink at the Lake.  Since then, the massive haematoma that was the result of the impact, has changed size and shape and is now an egg sized boggy haematoma.  Its squishy.  In many respects kinda gross and interesting at the same time.  Because its at the back of my head, I can’t get a good look at it and I have been told its an angry red colour.

The other day, I did go to the walk in clinic as my throat hurt like venom spewing razor blades were forced down my throat through my sinuses.  Since I was there I also asked about the Siamese twin trying to escape from my head.  Apparently, because of where it was, it was goingto take time and unless it was still there in ANOTHER six weeks, there was nothing that the local medical professionals were going to do about it.  I even asked if it could be drained.  Nope.  It was there because there was no break in the skin when my head and the ice met. 

Well there was a break in the skin … and today I discovered it.  I have had an itch on the lump since I got it and have tried since then to gently scratch the itch with out causing much discomfort to the Twin.  Today I succeeded and it’s a bittersweet relief.  Sadly the Twin has … disappeared.  Grossly, all the old viscous blood has run and oozed out of my head.  On the plus side I can wear my helmut now … yeah just a bit of closing the barn door after the horse bolted, and I can get my hair cut!  I was NOT letting anyone, no matter how skilled near the back of my head with scissors while the Twin was still trying to escape!

Bye bye boggy haematoma, it wasn’t nice having you.  And I am not sad to see you go.  You will not be welcome to return, and I will do my part to keep you away!