February 7, 2011
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and it just gets bettah, and bettah!
I had a conversation today that nearly made me want to vomit. Really. I am still reeling from the news. Apparently I have become complacent in my compassion for my ex-husband. I was told that Paul is still very very angry. Very angry. He views the events that happened at Christmas as my own doing. I literally felt like I was being hit in the gut and my wind was taken away. And once again I hurt. Deeply hurt.
I am really at a loss for what to feel for him anymore other than deep sorrow. It’s hard. Really, really hard. I know Paul has caused me great hurt on so many levels. I know there is no way to be able to understand why he feels such great hatred towards me. I really truly believe that Paul may not know why he has the feelings he has. SO much of Paul’s formative years were marred by conflict, not only in his home, but in his general life being raised in the heart of “Bandit Country”, South Armagh, Northern Ireland during the height of The Troubles.
Apparently I am to become a poster woman for domestic voilence and the severety that can happen. Paul has been in police custody since the early morning hours of Christmas Eve. That is 46 days to date. I can’t imagine what its like to be in jail. I don’t envy Paul at all. In fact I feel great sadness when I think about him. There is so much he is going to miss out on. Sadly all because Paul has no control when it comes to alcohol.
Compassion. I must focus on compassion. I know there are people who want me to remain mad at Paul. There are times I want to. But at the end of the day, he is a man pushed beyond his limits for coping. Inside that hard shell of a man is a hurting, bruised, battered person who is just reaching out for help. Have you ever torn a bandage off a festering wound that has stuck to the scab? That is what Paul is experiencing trying to heal emotionally. Is it better to leave the bandage on the wound and let the infection dig deeper in to the flesh? It hurts to tear off that bandage. And I’m sure the pain of debriding that wound is not comfortable either.
I can only hope that Paul is open to the healing he needs. I know of his personal past. I am deeply sadened he had to live it. I hope he is able to heal the old wounds so the new wounds aren’t as painful.
