January 15, 2011
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it’s a crying day
It’s a crying kind of day. The kind where I avoid anything that might trigger a tear at all costs, because when they start, there is no stopping them. That scares me. It scares me because I know I’m going to frighten the monsters. They don’t understand. I’m not sure I understand. It’s not just simple hormone changes, although I have no doubt those aren’t helping either.
There is release in the tears I’m not sure I want. I have lived with the grief and loss for so long I’m not sure I want to let it go. It’s my unnecessary friend. You know the one that you have but really don’t need as they are not a positive influence in your life, but you keep there anyway just to remind you how messed up your life really is. But how do you move forward in life with an attitude like that?
You don’t that’s the problem. Moving forward is what I have been waiting YEARS for. For many years my marriage life felt stalled because of attempting to and finally succeeding in immigrating back to Canada, then there was the limbo of Paul’s working permit and permanent resident application once we had landed and were starting to settle. Then the separation. That was the biggest limbo of all. It contained the immigration element as well as the issue of trying to work through all the bad things in our marriage. With all that I don’t think I have truly cried in at least 18 months.
I’ve held it in. I’m good at holding it in. That’s what I do. I hold it in. I turn it over and over and over … and over in my head, my heart, my being. I’m good at helping others get it out. I’m really good at that. Dealing with my own shit? Somedays not so much. I admitted recently to a friend that I was afraid to feel too much. Feeling hurts. And it brings tears. All the tears, the excessively happy ones, the down right ugly ones, the median/mediocre ones.
Right now, its the tears I want to avoid.
