April 18, 2010
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talk about eating @sshole pie!
OH. MY. GOODNESS! Last August after Paul and I separated, I started going to church again. On one of my very first visits to the church I now attend regularly, I met a wonderful couple called Matt and Jenny. They are just the kind of people you love to avoid they always seem to happy and together and with it. They have been very generous to me and my children whenever we see them. And as it happens, we sit in the same area of the congregation each week.
As can be my habit, there have been times during short converations with Matt and Jenny that I have offered to sell my children to them. Yeah, not an unusual comment coming from any mother let alone me with my children. Then today as part of the sermon Pastor Clive was speaking on, a video tape was shown of Matt and Jenny speaking about how they have not been able to get pregnant and the one pregnancy that did happen, ended too soon and rather horribly and their child was lost. Oh please dear Lord open a gaping hole in the floor and let it swallow me whole! Here I am joking about not wanting my children with a could that can’t have any who want to have children so badly and can’t understand why they have not been blessed with any! I could not look at them after that! I have seriously been a huge jerk to these wonderous people who have only ever been so kind to me and my children. Honestly I ache for them. And I can’t understand what they must be walking through with this heartbreaking desire to have a family and they are not able to conceive.
I know that we are all brought to and through our own life experiences, but still I have not knowingly spat in the face of someone who was so undeserving of it and then rubbed it in. I can only imagine the heart ache Jenny must feel seeing me each week with my brood and wanting her own. I do hope that they are able to find fullfillment in what ever path they choose to become parents. I can speak from the other side of adoption, of being able to know the child I carried for all those months was loved and cared for and treated just as if she was the biological daughter of her parents. I can atest to friends bearing witness of having adopted their children and how thankful they are not only to have children to claim as their own, but to be able to express thanks to the birth mother for all that she did for them to have a family.
My heart truely aches for Matt and Jenny and I have no idea if I could ever even express the words of remorse for what would seem so crass a joke.
