July 18, 2007
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fear
I have come to realize that fear has me in its grip. Tightly. I am not too sure I want it to let me go at the same time I feel I am being suffocated by this fear.
What has caused this fear? Too many things to count. Genetics being the first I would hazard a guess. I am being faced with a momumental choice and I don’t want to make it. I want to stick my head in the ground and avoid it at all costs. You can’t make me face it and I don’t want to. But I have to. My paradigm has shifted. I really have no choice in the matter. No longer do the choices I make affect just me the most. They affect four other people directly and a few dozen in directly.
That is another source of my fear. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I that choice I make goes so horribly wrong and my children are THE most affected by it? What if they have to go without? What if my husband has to work all the hours of the day because of the wrong choice I made? What if IT ALL GOES WRONG? How are we going to recover?
And it all leads back to me. My husband has told me that he wants to move to Canada as fast as I can make it possible and to do what it takes to get us there while he works all the hours he can get to get us there. I am paralyzed with fear that it will go all horribly wrong.
Comments (3)
Wow. It sounds like you have some monumental decisions ahead of you. You’ve been talking for awhile about making the move back to Canada, but it sounds like this will be a speedy process. There was almost a sense of urgency about your words. Everything okay?
no that move is what is causing this fear. while fear is the most prevalent (sp?), its mixed with anxiety (another form of fear?), excitement, as much as it is both our choices to move to Canada, I feel the pressure more because “its my home country”. ~ yeah no pressure. HA!
add to all this that P wants to move at the end of sept…..yeah no pressure. (***insert rolling of eyes here***)