okay this is Barb, my friend and neighbour.  But we went horseback riding. In the snow.  A freaking cold, windy, snowing day. But it was fun. 

I will be posting the pictures of me once I get them from Barb.  She couldn’t operate the camera on my phone so I have to wait for the pictures she took.

Unfortunately most women WON’T re-post this.

I’m strong willed, independent, a bit outspoken, & I tell it like it is.

I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control & at times hard to handle but I love & give with all my heart.

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best. If you are a HANDFUL, re-post! I dare you…

Yes this came from Facebook and I’m sure there are many many users out there that also use FB, but I really had to share this here, as I know not all my readers are on my Facebook friends list. I’m sure you are all wonderful people, but somethings are for in the inner circles. But I more often than not share IT ALL here. Funny how that works. In the mean time … Go on I dare ya!

A long the way we got a bit lost.  I’m not sure where, I’m not sure when, but we did.  I didn’t ask for it.

I didn’t ask for you to have an illness that would put me in danger.

I didn’t ask for you to be in pain.

I didn’t ask for you to lose everything precious to you in life.

I didn’t ask to lose my husband, my friend.

I didn’t ask for my children to lose their daddy.

I didn’t ask for your pain to be too much to bear.

Those are all the opposite of the things I wanted in life.

Now I am left to piece together a new life from the old.  To integrate the past and the present.  To not include you. 

I did ask for a husband who loved me more than his own life.

I did ask for help to heal your pain.

I did ask for a loving, caring daddy for my children.

I did ask to be able to give you the happiness you deserve and crave.

I did ask to be your friend and trusted confidant.

I can not put words to the hole you have left in my heart.  I know, in my heart, that is not what you wanted either.  You did not ask for this.

You did not ask to have an illness that put your most loved ones at risk. 

You did not ask to hurt your wife.

You did not ask to hurt your children.

You did not ask to be in pain.

You did not ask to never be able to return to your family.

It’s a crying kind of day. The kind where I avoid anything that might trigger a tear at all costs, because when they start, there is no stopping them.  That scares me.  It scares me because I know I’m going to frighten the monsters.  They don’t understand.  I’m not sure I understand.  It’s not just simple hormone changes, although I have no doubt those aren’t helping either.

There is release in the tears I’m not sure I want.  I have lived with the grief and loss for so long I’m not sure I want to let it go.  It’s my unnecessary friend.  You know the one that you have but really don’t need as they are not a positive influence in your life, but you keep there anyway just to remind you how messed up your life really is.  But how do you move forward in life with an attitude like that?

You don’t that’s the problem. Moving forward is what I have been waiting YEARS for.  For many years my marriage life felt stalled because of attempting to and finally succeeding in immigrating back to Canada, then there was the limbo of Paul’s working permit and permanent resident application once we had landed and were starting to settle.  Then the separation.  That was the biggest limbo of all.  It contained the immigration element as well as the issue of trying to work through all the bad things in our marriage.  With all that I don’t think I have truly cried in at least 18 months.

I’ve held it in.  I’m good at holding it in.  That’s what I do.  I hold it in.  I turn it over and over and over … and over in my head, my heart, my being.  I’m good at helping others get it out.  I’m really good at that.  Dealing with my own shit?  Somedays not so much.  I admitted recently to a friend that I was afraid to feel too much.  Feeling hurts.  And it brings tears.  All the tears, the excessively happy ones, the down right ugly ones, the median/mediocre ones. 

Right now, its the tears I want to avoid.

So where does one begin … the past few weeks have been more than a roller coaster.  I would liken it to what being in the middle of the ocean at the height of a perfect storm.  Just when I thought things had calmed down and that smoother sailing was ahead, a rogue wave came out of the deep dark blue and has hit me broadside.

The last of my marriage fully unravelled during the evening and early morning hours of December 23rd and 24th.  While I want more than anything to publicly, scathingly, hurtfully say exactly what happened, for etiquette reasons, I’m not going to.  Besides the fact that Paul is now in a world of hurt and there is nothing anyone can really do right now. Sadly it all could have been prevented.  Now instead of mourning the loss of my marriage, I now mourn the loss of a dear friendship.  The loss of a daddy to children.  Of a son to parents and brother.  And no matter how hurt I feel, I will heal sooner and very possibly easier than Paul will.

I do ask for compassion for Paul.  There is no going back now.  I ask that he is able to seek and be open to the healing he needs to be able to move on in his life.  The real healing, starting with the stuff that really hurts.  Until that happens, I further mourn the loss of my friendship, my husband, the vision I once had for my family.