As many of you all know I read varying blogs, social networking websites, internet pages on a daily basis.  Sometimes that is the reason I don’t post here as often, I find after reading them I just don’t feel worthy to write.  Anyhow I am digressing.

A few minutes ago I came across this blog via one of the above mentioned sites from a blogger I read often here.  What I found moved me like I haven’t been moved in a long time.  It moved me enough to write this post.  My inspiration for this post came particularly from this post here. 

Earlier this year I posted a birthday greeting to a young woman I affectionately think of as Beautiful Baby Girl.  You can read that here.  Some of you have known about BBG since her conception, some of you have only discovered about her and some of you have found out along the way of knowing me.  But at the end of the day I was particularly moved by the above mentioned post because it wasn’t just about an adoptive parent being greatful for the child they were being given to love and grow.  This particular post that I read actually honoured the choice a birth parent makes and the insurmountable pain that we endure when we not only make the choice to give a baby up for adoption, but then follow through.  Sometimes the pain is not only that of the actual birth parent, but grandparents and aunts and uncles of this much loved baby too.

Giving a child up for adoption is not an easy decision to make.  I know.  Personally.  From experience.  At times I still live with the pain of having placed my baby girl in her bassinet and walked out of the hospital when she was five days old.  I have three gorgeous beautiful children all of whom I love and cherish deeply and the fact that I have given a child up for adoption doesn’t change how much I love my children.  Sometimes it makes me love them more.

Over the years as I have shared that I had given a baby up for adoption, I have met a wide variety of reactions from all sort of people.  Everything from gratitude to near hatred.  I have to say that these reactions have also “coloured” how I approach the subject with others.  Not everyone is comfortable meeting a woman who has given a baby up for adoption.  Many think upon it as the birth mother as just being plain irresponsible for letting herself get “caught out”.  It’s not always about that.  But the end result is about heart breaking choices and realizations about oneself that could be detrimental to their own mental health.  Not always is the choice the “right one” for the the birth parent, both mother and father even if it is the right choice for the baby.  It hurts.  A LOT.  For a very, very, very, long time.  Sometimes, the pain hits you when you least expect it and it is debilitating.  Sucking the air from your lungs, paralizing you to the point where not even tears can help you cope.  Sometimes the pain is a dull building ache that continues to grow and can be identified before hitting the crescendo of emotions it carries with it.

I can not eloquently put in to words the pain and anguish that a birth parent endures and subsequently lives with for the rest of our lives.  There are times we can hold and love babies with out a second thought and then there are times before the children that are to stay arrive, that a birth parent can not even look at a baby with that paralyzing, breath stealing pain taking over our body.  At least I can not put this part of our lives in to words as eloquently as Sandi has on lucky 13 and counting. 

Please read the post Sandi wrote.  It says exactly how I have felt over the years and no doubt how I will feel at times in the future.

Okay after Paul and I separated a few months ago, I was laid off from my job the same week.  Yeah. I. Know! But it was already in the works, and really there was nothing that could have been done about it.  And I really have no animosity toward the company.  It was a great company to work for and everyone in it was great.  The day I got laid off, the executive members that were present were more upset than I was, which in its own way was touching.  But I am digressing, because I got laid off, I felt it was giving me the option again to stay at home and mind children.  Not so much because I so love having children in my house as a matter of necessity. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love my children (as much as I try to sell them most days!) and I enjoy the company of their friends when they are over.  But really, I went on to become an administrator not a childminder in my “professional life” for a reason.  Now it is really necessity that makes me turn to opening my home to care for other children on a daily basis.  As I have to maximize my income and having to pay out nearly $1800 a month in childcare fees plus rent, utilities, food, vehicle expenses, etc, etc, etc, I thought the best way to do this was to mind other peoples children.  I am quickly realizing who does and does not discipline their children.  FAST!  I am definitely having my patience tested with my one full time child.  I really have to wonder if she is let away with everything at home.  Her parents say she has boundaries at home, but I have to wonder.  So far she has thrown a fit twice now because she didn’t want to eat lunch, a sandwich she was asked if she wanted and said yes when asked, at the age of five she walks around with a blankie sucking her thumb.  When I told Her Parents that she would not be allowed to do so in my house (yes she can have the blankie in the house but no thumb sucking) it was responded to with, “Well I guess she has to stop sucking her thumb sometime.” Yeh. Really.

Again I wonder … do I need my head read?

After spending the entire day getting caught up, I realised that I forgot to save a post for the first day of school for Oldest Large Child and Wee Blonde Child.  So on 27th August, we got up and instead of heading to Day Camp, Wee Blonde Child had her first hour of school, and Oldest Large Child started her second year of school in Canada, only OLC got to go for the whole day.  Healthy Weighty Wee Man got to go to Day Camp for another two days and then spend a week with me before his school started after Labour Day.

Five years ago today Wee Blonde Child was born.  Sometimes it feels like forever ago and other times it seems like just last month.

brand new

First birthday

Second Birthday

Third Birthday

Fourth Birthday

Fifth Birthday